Self-Talk

As I hear myself speak, I learn what I believe."...Daryl Bem, originator of Self-Perception Theory

The same is true with our thoughts.
Whether you hear your thoughts or think soundlessly in your mind, you are brainwashing yourself with your thoughts.

On the first page, you learned that you can be 100% certain of something, and be 100% wrong.
You learned that your brain does not filter out false or unhelpful thoughts on its own.

For this reason, it is essential for us to question our thoughts and beliefs.

You also learned that your thoughts are rooted in the interactions between everything you have been exposed to throughout your life and your unique genetic predisposition. You came into this world with particular tendencies to develop one way or another, but that's it. Your environments, throughout your life, exposed you to things that shaped you in one way or another. If you had the good fortune to be exposed to someone who was kind and encouraging, you may have internalized some of those perspectives. If you were exposed to harsh criticism, shaming, perfectionism, neglect, or dysfunctional conflict, you may have internalized some of those.

We all have many different influences in our lives that contribute to our unique ways of thinking and managing ourselves.

Thankfully, none of this is carved in stone. We can become more and more skilled at managing our thoughts throughout our lives.

There is no end to the work you can do with your own thoughts.
This page focuses on the most common, universal types of unhelpful, false thoughts, a.k.a. cognitive distortions.
They are so pervasive that we are often not even aware of having them.

As you learn objective self-talk, you will develop rational thought patterns.
As you purposefully practice objective self-talk, you will strengthen these patterns, or neural pathways.

Building a strong foundation of objective self-talk will loosen the grip of cognitive distortions, and make you less vulnerable to rabbit holes of negativity.

There are many different kinds of helpful self-talk and cognitive strategies you can learn, that go well beyond the scope of this page. It is possible to shift your thoughts and perspective about literally anything. Please check out mastermind.com * for more information.
(*new course coming soon!)

Three common types of cognitive distortions are:

1. Mind-reading
2. Fortune-telling and Catastrophizing
3. Black-and-white thinking

This page is a good place to start, however there are many other types of distortions that are important to be aware of. For more information, go to (*coming soon!).

1. Mind-reading

We all do it. Mind-reading is necessary for our survival, because it's important to have an idea of the intention of others, to keep us safe.
The problem is, we are actually not very good at it.
Read the examples below to see if any of these resonate with you.

Often, mind-reading is not a problem. When you think you know what another person thought, is thinking, or will think, and you're right or at least close enough, nothing bad comes of it.

Problematic mind-reading can cause A LOT of stress! This can sound like:

They don't like me.
They think I'm incompetent.
They'll think I'm a slob.
Everyone knows I messed up.

They don't care.
You don't want to be here.
They're mad at me.
They don't approve.

They're going to think this is stupid.
They don't understand.
You're going to hate this.
You wanted to hurt me.

There are countless examples of problematic mind-reading.
These thoughts amplify anxiety, embarrassment, shame, and many other negative emotions.

Furthermore, compounding this are other distortions such as :

I can't stand it if they think this way.
I need them to like me.

I need their approval.
I have to change their mind!

I just know how they think.
They have to agree with me!

An underlying false belief that many people are not aware of having is: "I cannot tolerate another person having bad thoughts about me."

2. Fortune-Telling &
Catastrophizing

We all do this as well, for similar reasons that we mind-read. We think about the future to plan and prepare, and we project worst-case scenarios because we are built to keep an eye out for anything that is dangerous or threatening. It has to work this way to keep us safe. When we have a bad experience, the fight-or-flight part of the brain stores it vividly, so it can be on the lookout for anything similar in the future. When something similar is detected, our alarm bells go off to protect us. This can look like anxiety, agitation, or many other emotions and behaviors.
If we did not have this natural mechanism, we would not learn about what is unsafe.

Also similarly to mind-reading, fortune-telling is often not a problem. We make predictions and plans regularly, and if they are reasonably accurate, nothing bad comes of it.

On the other hand, fortune-telling and catastrophizing can create A LOT of stress! This can sound like:

This is going to be bad.
It will be a disaster.
I'm going to mess up.

They are going to do a bad job.
We won't be able to do this.
There is no way this will work.

Everything will be ruined.
I'll never be able to live with this.
They'll never forgive me.

There are also countless examples of these types of cognitive distortions.
These thoughts also amplify anxiety, discouragement, anger, shame, and many other negative emotions.

These are further amplified with underlying beliefs such as:

I can't deal with this.
I can't make mistakes.

There's no hope.
Nothing can change this.

I just know I'm right.
A different outcome is not possible.

3. Black-and-White Thinking

Our brains naturally sort, label, and link things we become aware of to other similar things that we previously knew. This is an absolute essential brain function - without it, we could not understand anything, learn, or even survive. Every single thing we know and know how to do, is comprised of many elements that are taken for granted, because we see things as a whole - our brains put information together that make up our conceptualizations. An analogy is how a computer program works. Everything it does is broken down into countless binary bits - all 0's and 1's.

Just like the other distortions above, black-and-white thinking is not a problem if it's reasonable, accurate, or constructive.

On the other hand, if we view situations, things, or people (including ourselves) as being one way or another (with no in between), we create A LOT of stress! This can sound like:

I'll either succeed or fail.
Just think positive thoughts!
I can't trust them.

You're either in or out.
It's now or never.
You'll make it, or you won't.

Is it good or bad?
They're a bad person.
I'm unable to do this.

As with the other distortions, there are countless ways we engage in black-and-white thinking.
These thoughts amplify fear, anxiety, worry, discouragement, and hopelessness.

Objective Self-Talk

Where attention goes, energy flows." ...James Redfield

As stress builds up throughout our days, our problem thoughts are unrestricted, swirl around in our heads, and perpetuate negativity.
Is it helpful to promote negativity in your mind? Is it helpful to be a bully in your own head?

With Objective Self-talk, we are not:

Challenging current thoughts and beliefs
Trying to change our thoughts
Avoiding, stuffing, masking, or numbing our thoughts
Trying to think positive thoughts

Instead, we are shifting our attention to objective, rational thoughts.
We are purposefully putting our focus on thoughts that strengthen rational and calm thinking.
There are universal truths, or objective facts that conflict with mind-reading, fortune-telling, catastrophizing, and black-and-white cognitive distortions.

By purposefully, consciously focusing on these thoughts, you

strengthen helpful thought patterns, or neural pathways, through repetition
help yourself remain more neutral and calm
bring truth to the forefront of your thinking
are less vulnerable to getting hooked by distorted negativity
increase the presence of rational thought in your mind

Below is a partial list of universal objective self-talk statements.
It is helpful to go through them and see which ones resonate with you the most. By repeating these to yourself frequently and proactively, you can decrease stress that has been perpetuated by the presence of cognitive distortions.

Thoughts are private.
People cannot read each other's minds.
No one can read my mind.
I don't know what other people are really thinking.
People can have mixed thoughts and feelings.
People can look one way, and feel another.
In the past, some of my assumptions were right, and some were wrong; they are unreliable.
People have made faulty assumptions about what I'm thinking or feeling.
I have a right to my own thoughts and feelings.
Others have a right to their own views.
What other people are thinking, feeling, or doing is out of my control.
I can choose my response, not the responses of others.

The future is unknown.
There is always uncertainty.
Uncertainty is not the problem.
Assumptions and projecting are the problem.
There is a spectrum of possible outcomes
No one can accurately predict the future.
Some predictions can be right, and some can be wrong; predictions are not reliable.
There is no benefit to dwelling on the worst case scenario.
I can be cautious and plan, without catastrophizing.
Most things are not all or nothing.
There are many shades of gray.
There is no one right or wrong way to think or to be.

Intentional Self-Talk

Intentional self-talk is about reminding yourself what you would like to move towards.
This is immeasurably more helpful than allowing yourself to focus on past or future events that are out of your control.
You can create your own intentional self-talk, as well as thinking of the universal examples below:

I'd like to be kinder to myself.
I'd like to feel calm.
I'm going to take some deep breaths.
I plan on trying my best.
It's okay to feel what I feel.
My emotions are here for a reason.
I can hold space for myself by allowing myself to feel what I feel.
There is no benefit to judging myself or others.
I want to feel my feet on the ground.
I am responsible for my efforts, not the outcome.
Being imperfect is perfectly human.

How do you think you will be feeling when you have practiced self-compassionate, nonjudgmental self-talk?
Is there any reason not to try this?

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