PIE - Perspective Is Everything!

People and situations do not cause your emotions.

If other people, situations, and things "made" us feel a certain way, everyone would respond exactly the same to things.

You may be initially triggered to feel a certain way, but once your automatic reaction has subsided, your emotions are coming from your perspective. Your perspective is shaped by your thoughts.

Your thoughts are not carved in stone, because there is a such thing as neuroplasticity. We have the ability to learn and grow throughout our lives. 
This means you can change your perspective.

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Here's another example: Two people lost their homes and possessions in a storm.​
​One says, "I lost everything. I'm devastated and will never recover from this." The other says, "I lost everything but will forever be filled with gratitude for my life."
One is focused on loss, and blames the storm for ruining their life. The other is focused on their life and credits the storm for teaching them what is really important.

If the storm caused them to feel one way or another, they would both feel the same.
​Their feelings are rooted in their thoughts that shape their perspective.
Their thought patterns are rooted in the interaction between genetic predisposition (traits or tendencies we are born with), and environmental exposure (throughout our lives.)

Reality does not care how you look at it.

Have you ever heard the saying, "Don't cry over spilt milk?"

It's okay if you cry about it. It's also okay if you scream, laugh, or worry about it!
The milk doesn't care. Your reaction doesn't affect it, and you are not required to have any specific reaction about the milk, or anything else.
You may expect to have certain reactions about things, or you may think it's appropriate or inappropriate to react a certain way, but you can choose how to respond.
The thought that you "should" react a certain way, is a judgment that is often unhelpful.

About your thoughts...

Thoughts come from exposure, natural tendencies, and repetition.
Your brain does not filter out false or unhelpful thoughts on its own.
This means you can be 100% certain, and 100% wrong.
Truth is not correlated with your level of certainty.

If you believe something and repeat it enough times, it will start to feel like a fact, and you won't think to question it...
..unless you are practicing thinking about your thinking.

The further back thought patterns go, the more deeply rooted they are, the more they've been repeated, reinforced, and intertwined with other thought patterns and beliefs.

We brainwash ourselves by repeating our thoughts.
Like a well-traveled path, repeated thought patterns are where you go if you are not thinking about your thinking.

Automatic thoughts... 

What's the first thing you do when you walk into a dark room?

 If there's a switch on the wall, you flip it on. If the power goes out, your arm still goes up to switch on the light.
The 1st time, your reaction is, "Oh - the power's out."
The 2nd time, you flip the switch on and off and say, "Oh yeah - right, the power's out."
The 3rd and 4th time, you go for the switch and start to feel annoyed that you keep doing it.
The 5th or 6th time, before you walk into the room, you are uncomfortably holding your arm and thinking, "I'm not going to go for that light switch again!"

This is what it feels like to do a little simple brain rewiring. The new response to the dark room is temporary and feels strange. If you are stressed or not present, you revert back to the old way.
Thought patterns work the same way. It takes effort and it feels strange, but that's because you are not used to it...yet.

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How does it feel if you have to drive on the side of the road you are not used to?

At first, it feels very strange, but after a while you start to get used to it.  There are consequences to not making this change - you are externally motivated. With self-talk, your motivation is from within. You know that you will feel better, be calmer, and have more clarity by calming your mind. You know that it will feel strange - until you have practiced it enough times for it to feel more natural and become automatic.

Intrusive Thoughts 

Intrusive thoughts are mentioned here because many people experience them, were never given any information about them, and are frightened or feel shame about them.   I see this as an opportunity to provide helpful information, however if you experience intrusive thoughts that are causing significant anxiety or other distress, a therapist can help. It is not an uncommon problem.

Here are some facts about unwanted intrusive thoughts that you may feel annoyed or stressed about:
Our brains are built to put information together in new ways. This is necessary for our creativity, which is necessary for our survival.
New thoughts pop into your awareness all the time.
Most of the time, it's not a problem. Your reaction might be, "wow, I never thought of that before,"  "I have a great idea," or, "that's a silly thought!"
Some of these novel thoughts that are okay, pop up repeatedly. 
We don't pay much attention to them because they do not cause a negative reaction in our bodies.

Sometimes thoughts that are upsetting, disturbing, or even horrifying or disgusting can pop into our minds.
They can also pop up repeatedly and are more likely to do so if you fight them or fuel them by shaming or blaming yourself.

These thoughts do not define you.
You are not responsible for thoughts that pop into your head, because it is not a conscious act.
You are responsible for how you respond to it, what you choose to focus on, and for your actions.
Unwanted intrusive thoughts can cause initial reactions in your body, but they do not have conscious control of your body. 
They cannot make you do things that you consciously do not want to do.
This is an opportunity for you to try some self-compassion; there is no downside to doing this.

Your negative reaction towards yourself is automatic, understandable, but entirely unhelpful to engage with. At first, this new approach may feel counterintuitive, but it will ultimately calm you and decrease your distress.  You can acknowledge these thoughts just like any other distorted thoughts you might have. You can notice them nonjudgmentally - like a bird flying across the sky. Like other realities, a negative intrusive thought  does not require you to respond to i t. So you may as well observe the fact that you experienced it. This will loosen its invisible grip on you, and allow you to shift your attention to a more helpful thought, perhaps starting with acknowledging that it was unpleasant. This is a self-validating and self-compassionate thought.
Acknowledging that a negative intrusive thought came to mind is not condoning it. You are accepting the reality that it occurred. That's it.

About your emotions...

Emotions do not like to be stuffed, buried, masked, numbed, or ignored.
They tend to keep poking at us until we pay attention. If we do not acknowledge them and let ourselves feel what we feel, they will manifest one way or another - they will make themselves known.

One one hand, emotions can be fueled by false perceptions, interpretations, or assumptions.
There is no correlation between the strength of our emotional convictions and the truth.
On the other hand, if emotions are there, they need to be acknowledged and felt - even if they are based on misinformation or distortions.

It can be a fact that you have a feeling, but the feeling may not be based on a fact.

Here is a partial list of very common examples of this:
- You thought something bad was going to happen, so you felt afraid or worried, but then nothing bad happened.
- You assumed someone was angry with you, and you felt bad or angry at them, and then you found out they were not angry with you.
- You interpreted a comment as being disrespectful and you felt hurt. Then you found out your interpretation was wrong.
- Your friend did not text you back, and you felt rejected because you thought they didn't care. Then you found out they were busy.
- Another person tells you that someone is trying to hurt you or others. You believe them and are angry - whether they are right or wrong.

There is no end to examples of this. Our brains are filled with emotions based on mental mistakes, and we are not aware of many of them.

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf."   ...Jon Kabat-Zinn

Just like the waves, emotions don't need permission. If they're there, they're there. 

People frequently say things like:
"You don't have a right to feel that way."
"I shouldn't feel like this."
"It's ridiculous to feel this way."
"You have no reason to be [angry, sad, hurt, anxious...]."

There is no end to these examples either.
Emotions do not care about facts; they materialize whether the issue is true or false.
So, if an emotion is present, it's okay, it's natural. 
It is okay to feel what we feel - and breathe through it.
It has​ to be okay, because if it is there, it is there. Fighting an emotion is like fighting a wave.
When we turn towards our emotions, they calm, because they have been seen, heard, felt, validated, and accepted for what they are.
It may seem counterintuitive, but allowing ourselves to feel, holding space for ourselves by breathing through emotions, letting them surface and express themselves, is exactly what they need.
Expressing emotions in an appropriate and healthy way becomes easier and natural, when we turn towards them.

The Guest House   by Rumi  ​

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.​

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.​

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
​The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
​Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
​
​​                           ​Taken from SELECTED POEMS by Rumi, Translated by Coleman Barks (Penguin Classics, 2004).

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